Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me... Let me be singing when the evening comes!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Resolve, Remorse, Remember

Now that we are several weeks into the new year I am finally starting on one of my resolutions: posting more blogs and not just writing them in my head!  I actually wrote this on Jan. 11th but didn't post till now... we'll see how this resolution thing works out..... 

Today (Jan. 11th) marks a week that my sister, Serena, has been faithful to her
promise of not using the salt and pepper shakers. A friend visited our
family for a week over the holidays and was in the habit of asking for
the salt and pepper at meal times. Serena was so devastated when it
came time for our friend to leave that she declared she was "never
going to use the salt and pepper again!" So far the vow has been kept;
she has not been seasoning her food; well not with that particular set
anyway. :) Such a goof!

My youngest sisters: Abigail and Serena

I've been realizing how hard it is to think of them in any other way
than as the "little girls." Abby will be 13 (!) on Jan. 25th and
Serena will be 12 Aug. 29th. I remember very well being 12 and 13.  I
was mother's big helper, taking care of the baby sisters, moving to VA
with my family and making new friends, and beginning to make the transition from
playing "Boxcar Children" in the storage trailer - with Meredith,
Bethany, and Tommy - to being a young lady. I wish I had done a better
job of making that transition... I started worrying too much about
"grooming" myself to be the best wife and mother that I neglected my
role of devoted, oldest sister/friend. They became my "practice
children." I told them what they should be doing and instructed them
on how to do it. They resented me for that; big surprise, right? My
parents told me I would regret it, and I do. It haunts me as my
biggest failure in life. I know that may sound overly dramatic but it
has repeatedly been the thing Satan brings up to make me feel
unworthy, unqualified, etc. And it is a constant struggle to overcome
the habits I allowed to form for so many years.

Perhaps this is the reason I have a heart for young ladies to know the
truth and freedom that comes from knowing the unconditional love of
God and to understand that it isn't the "hard" questions that are so
important (i.e. going to college? have a career? be a missionary? get
married? children? etc.); it's knowing Christ and who you are in Him.
Seeing others through His eyes and serving with His love. Knowing His
voice and following His call. Trusting.

"Simply trusting every day, Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small, Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Brightly does His Spirit shine Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall; Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Singing if my way is clear, Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger for Him call; Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting Him while life shall last, Trusting Him till earth be past;
Till within the jasper wall, Trusting Jesus, that is all."

If I could only keep that in my head! Child-like faith....  He will love and take care of me. 
My job? Keep His love flowing to those around me.


  1. Wonderful insight and self-awareness, Michelle. I don't think it's overly dramatic - our failings to others are always the things that become our biggest failings in life, and the things that haunt us the worst. It's so painful, but it's interesting how God uses these regrets to grow us up and teach us to get over ourselves! :) You can't undo what's done, but it's not too late to try to mend some of these things, I'm sure. I pray that God will cover over the sins of the past and "renew the years the locusts have eaten" in your relationship with your siblings. God can make all things new - especially when we are humble enough to admit our failings as you have been! Hugs....

  2. Thank you for your encouragement, Aunt Rachel! That and your prayers mean so much to me. I am hoping this blog will also bear witness to victories in the same area.... Hugs to you!

  3. Great post Michelle! I too appreciate your honesty. It is such a huge responsibility to be an older sister, and such a struggle to get it right all the time. :)Only through the Lord's guiding can we be the friend and example we should be to our younger siblings. I can totally relate to the things you said. That's one of my favorite hymns!

  4. Joanna,
    I am so thankful that the Lord knit our friendship together! It has been a pleasure traveling similar roads and sharing joys, sorrows, frustrations, and giggles! :)

  5. Love your post Michelle! I too have regrets and wish I could go back and change a few things, but aahh, never the less we must press on and God really does restore the years the canker worm hast eaten. Today, I am working on being 100% present in every relationship I encounter. It's called staying in my moments. Planning for tomorrow but staying in my today. Seems my yesterdays than should get sweeter. Missed you Tues. morning, prayed for you and Sarah and look forward to see you soon and VERY soon! Love to you my friend.

    1. I have been so blessed by your encouragement, Jeanne! Thank you so much for being honest and speaking into my life with so much love!