Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me... Let me be singing when the evening comes!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Resolve, Remorse, Remember

Now that we are several weeks into the new year I am finally starting on one of my resolutions: posting more blogs and not just writing them in my head!  I actually wrote this on Jan. 11th but didn't post till now... we'll see how this resolution thing works out..... 

Today (Jan. 11th) marks a week that my sister, Serena, has been faithful to her
promise of not using the salt and pepper shakers. A friend visited our
family for a week over the holidays and was in the habit of asking for
the salt and pepper at meal times. Serena was so devastated when it
came time for our friend to leave that she declared she was "never
going to use the salt and pepper again!" So far the vow has been kept;
she has not been seasoning her food; well not with that particular set
anyway. :) Such a goof!

My youngest sisters: Abigail and Serena

I've been realizing how hard it is to think of them in any other way
than as the "little girls." Abby will be 13 (!) on Jan. 25th and
Serena will be 12 Aug. 29th. I remember very well being 12 and 13.  I
was mother's big helper, taking care of the baby sisters, moving to VA
with my family and making new friends, and beginning to make the transition from
playing "Boxcar Children" in the storage trailer - with Meredith,
Bethany, and Tommy - to being a young lady. I wish I had done a better
job of making that transition... I started worrying too much about
"grooming" myself to be the best wife and mother that I neglected my
role of devoted, oldest sister/friend. They became my "practice
children." I told them what they should be doing and instructed them
on how to do it. They resented me for that; big surprise, right? My
parents told me I would regret it, and I do. It haunts me as my
biggest failure in life. I know that may sound overly dramatic but it
has repeatedly been the thing Satan brings up to make me feel
unworthy, unqualified, etc. And it is a constant struggle to overcome
the habits I allowed to form for so many years.

Perhaps this is the reason I have a heart for young ladies to know the
truth and freedom that comes from knowing the unconditional love of
God and to understand that it isn't the "hard" questions that are so
important (i.e. going to college? have a career? be a missionary? get
married? children? etc.); it's knowing Christ and who you are in Him.
Seeing others through His eyes and serving with His love. Knowing His
voice and following His call. Trusting.

"Simply trusting every day, Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small, Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Brightly does His Spirit shine Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall; Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Singing if my way is clear, Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger for Him call; Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting Him while life shall last, Trusting Him till earth be past;
Till within the jasper wall, Trusting Jesus, that is all."

If I could only keep that in my head! Child-like faith....  He will love and take care of me. 
My job? Keep His love flowing to those around me.